Am in an introspective mood.
Sure…I always think a lot (in fact it’s my favorite hobby – apart from writing), and most of my thoughts are disjointed, each one a homogenous entity in it’s own. Each thought spawns micro-thoughts like the tentacles of a medusa… and each tentacle forms a head and tentacles of its own. Sounds like a muddle? Actually – I have trained my mind to somehow categorize these thoughts (unconsciously) and when a critical mass of thoughts is reached – I feel heavy with distilled realization. That’s when I get into an introspective mood.
I have been feeling heavy since the past two weeks. And before I burst and IT services has the unsavory job of scraping my innards of the laptop screen – I thought let me purge some of that heaviness onto the blog. This is not going to be like my usual entries… 🙂
I have been thinking about people. One would imagine that 30 years of life would have provided me with opportunity to meet several human beings – and so I have. Most of them bounce of the peripheri of my consciousness… some of them manage to enter but very few have managed to make their way to the core. I am not a difficult person to be with or befriend (I think) – but somehow most people who do enter my consciousness, fail at some point or the other to display action or intent in line with my expectations. You would say, “Ha…it’s your fault then! You have high expectations!”
But my expectations from others are not even half as high as those I have from myself. As I have grew older, smelt the sweet and tasted the acrid, enjoyed the rapture of true love and suffered the lacerations of selfishness and malice – I started wondering if we were all sent to this world by God to be alone… After all – barring romantic tales of the Bard – we all die alone. Even if we do find people who penetrate our ever-thickening consciousness – they never become one with us. They remain seperate entities – satellites with their own orbits, center-of-gravities and propulsion systems. But every love story or friendship – especially the ones which begin intensely – throw illusions of a oneness. A oneness that makes us feel lighter – makes us feel as if finally we have found company for our long and arduous journey towards our eventual end.
But in my experience – oneness is just that – an illusion. A mirage that helps you along on your journey towards dust. And this made me feel as if all people in this world are selfish. And life is a curse with I have to bear alone. Friends are for the moment and later are relegated to words appearing and disappearing in a chat box. Lovers satisfy immediate needs before failing on every other count.
Then – the typical critic that I am of my thoughts – I decided that this view has to be all wrong. These feelings of contempt that I have for other people cannot be right – because we are all children of the same god. If I have contempt for others – I should have contempt for myself. And that is something I don’t have… So decided to take God’s view of things.
I closed my eyes and sat 50,000 feet above the ground on a cumulonimbus seat – and looked down at all those various human beings for whom I had contempt. They were all scurrying around like little mice in a huge mousetrap – trying to “steal” a little cheese, bumping into other mice, trying to make the best of what they have. All the mice just wanted to survive and not get stuck and killed in the trap. What’s wrong with that?
I still don’t have any answers – but I know that today as a society we are not inclined towards oneness – and the oneness that can be achieved is in ourselves. People get unhappy by seemingly unkind actions of others – but most of the time the person responsible for the unkind action is just trying make the best of what he/she has. Maybe the right approach is not to search for happiness in the actions and opinions of others. If someone has entered your consciousness and has the power to induce rapture – don’t expect he/she will not use the power to induce pain. Accept the sour with the sweet. But remember – that your soul is just yours… untouchable by anyone except whatever you think God is.
I want to take the journey from outward contempt to inward love to outward love. Love that encapsulates both rapture and pain. Love that is ingrained deep in my soul and does not depend on the actions of others or incidents. Love that can heal any wound that will eventually become love that will eliminate the concept of wounds. Love that will draw on every kind action and every healing word that I have been lucky to be on the receiving end of. Love that draws from the passion that I felt in my relationships and the beauty of sacrifices that my lovers have made for me. Love that mirrors the undying hope in my parents’ eyes and the unabashed affection in my son’s.
That is the love that I want to find. In me. And I also know where the map to that love lies. In me. I want to reach a plane of existence where physical life just becomes a manifestation of the love inside me…and does not depend on the relativity of relationships or people.
I feel better now. Lighter. God bless Web 2.0. 🙂 Have a great day!