, ,

[Updated on October 7th, 2011 – two days after the passing away of Steve Jobs.]

The article below was written in a haze of frustration following the lackluster iPhone 4S launch event. It unfortunately coincided with the death of Steve Jobs – lovingly mentioned in the article as “Turtlenecked Angel”. All said and done Mr. Jobs was a true visionary and business leader of our generation. Whether I agree with Apple’s business practices and technology direction or not, is inconsequential to the fact that Steve Jobs and his organization have redefined technology for most of us today. We will be hard pressed to find a successor of comparable influence and vision in our lifetimes. RIP Steve Jobs.

*Original Article Below*

No this is not about an admission to being a closet Charlie Sheen fan. Though I have to admit that he is AWESOME. Just see this tepid season of “Two and a half men” – and you will immediately start missing his craziness.

But that is a whole other discussion.

The operative letter here is “i” – which is used by Apple to propagate the ridiculous idea that “they” know what “i” want. Well they don’t. Not by a long shot. But something has to be said about the hype juggernaut that Apple is, because they regularly force me to shed my inertia and publish something on my poor blog. As you would have guessed this is about the iPhone 4S.

Last morning, 10 AM Pacific time, I slugged it out with millions of apple voyeurs to catch a glimpse of what Apple had in store for us. I know there were millions because the CNET live blog shut down at 10:05 and Gizmodo didn’t make it past 10:15. It was as if they were handing out free iPhone 3GS’es. As it turns out – they were, and that was the best news of the day.

(notice how they place the iphone 4 at an angle to hide its thickness?)

I wasn’t there in person – but I could feel the underwhelming feeling hurtling down my broadband line. Apple had done it again. They had managed to make a huge song and dance show about catching up with the competition… leaving all those millions of iPhone 5 hopefuls to put on their veil of stubborn submission, and accept this minor update as the greatest thing since the last Apple illusion.

I wish I could just reach out to each and every one of them, give them a hug, and hand them a pamphlet to the nearest rehabilitation center. I have realized that it is not their fault that they will camp outside the nearest Apple store, ready to spend their hard earned money, in these recessionary times, on a phone which is already a couple of generations old. It is not their fault that the moment they receive this gift from the gods, they will clamor for the next dose of awesomeness for which they will patiently wait for many months, until their turtlenecked angel will dispel the clouds of despair with a lightning stroke in the form of the world’s greatest technological hallucination.

It is not their fault… because they are iSheen addicts. They deserve my sympathy and my help. So just for you, my helpless sheep-of-apple I have put together a simple 5 point plan which will help you shed your addiction and see the world again – as it is.

1. Remember – you are not alone. There are plenty of iSheen addicts like you out there. So open your browser, type http://www.ebay.com, register and click on “Sell an item”. Put in the description of your iphone in there, and click “submit”.

2. Sit back and watch as the millions who have not chosen your path towards reality, fight over your piece of metal and glass. This whole exercise of being an “outside” spectator to the silliness will make you see your twisted world with a new perspective. You might get typical withdrawal pangs and might find yourself staring longingly at your iPhone, wondering “What have I done?!!” Don’t give in. Every addict goes through this… and it is important to keep the end of the tunnel in sight. For this move to step 3.

3. Open your web browser again, and type http://www.google.com. In the search field type “Best Smartphones”. A new unknown world of the latest mobile technology will open up in front of you. You might have some trouble understanding the words and the pictures of sleek, thin, large-screened phones – and that is because that part of your brain has been deadened by the Apple drug.  But persist and find your inner droid – which will show you the path. (Note of caution: You will also find your beloved iPhone on many of those lists – but that is because it is not a bad phone. It just won’t be number 1 or 2 or 3 – and you deserve the best.) And soon, you will like something. It will have a dual core processor, a screen you can actually enjoy your games and movies on and it will be thin and light and just plain gorgeous.

samsung galaxy s2

Take a print out of this modern marvel and stick in front of you – for all those times the invisible tentacles of the iPhone try to pull you back into the abyss you are leaving behind. Playing soothing zen music in the background will also help.

4) Use the amazing amount of money that other addicts would have paid for your iPhone – and buy your new dream device (it will mostly be one of the many Android devices). And with the money that is left – go and treat yourself to a 1-hr Swedish deep-tissue massage. You deserve it – like you deserve the best technology that’s out there.

5) Play with your new phone… customize it, make it yours in ways that was never possible with your iPhone. The biggest life-altering change will be the realization that “You own your phone” – and not the other way round. Once that realization seeps into every corner of your recovering soul – will you have truly emerged victorious over your addiction and you will see the world for what it is.

You will be once and for all – truly free.

If you are an iSheen addict then use this is as a guide towards enlightenment. If you are not and you know someone who is, pass this message to them. The power is in our hands to rid this world of illusion and show light to the lost.

Peace out.