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In an exclusively excruciating interview, Grimescene spoke with Mr.Lureman on his latest self-confessed epic, Australia. (I admit that it wasn’t easy getting the guy and I had to lie prostate on the ground in front of his Mercedes, as he was laughing his way to the bank.)

Lureman: Honk honk. Help! There is a blogger on the road!
Grimescene: Stop!! I only wanna talk!
Lureman: Screech! Damn…the brakes on this Merc are good. Though the world could do with a pesky blogger less. Who needs independent reviews? Bloody party poopers.
Grimescene: (After getting a first hand view of dead bugs on the license plate of Mr.Lureman’s car) Thanks for stopping.
Lureman: (ruefully) Thank the car.
Grimescene: Hey, I was just trying to stare right into your eyes and do some voodoo magic, like that wide-eyed aboriginal kid did, to stop 1500 rampaging cattle in your movie.
Lureman: Well, my dear friend, that was an epic. Anything is possible in an epic!
Grimescene: Stop calling it an Epic. Why do you call it an Epic?! Gone with the Wind is an epic. Howards End is an epic. Even the Gladiator is an epic. What makes you call Australia an epic?!!
Lureman: (Taken aback by the unwarranted aggression from the typically docile blogger) Well…for starters it cost $100 million to make…
Grimescene: $100 million?!! How on earth did you convince the studio bosses to shell out that much moolah for a movie which didn’t have a Superhero theme, or a bankable male lead, which was not based on a bestselling book, or which didn’t have Jackie Chan or Jet Li…
Lureman: (smug) You see… audience are suckers for an Epic. It’s simple, the 100 mil spend itself is a marketing ploy to lure people into the halls. Then you just take elements from posters of established epics, spread the word that one would sprout a few new grey hair by the time the credits roll and keep mentioning the word EPIC until people don’t have a choice but to see it.
Grimescene: Isn’t that pulling wool over our eyes? Isn’t that playing with our need for escapism? Isn’t it exploiting our social need to avoid being on the receiving end of embarrasing comments like “What? You haven’t seen Australia? Dude…it’s an EPIC!”
Lureman: Be that as it may – you can’t deny that my movie was as long as any Epic out there – and had all the elements of an epic including magic and a bombing scene, had terrific landscapes…
Grimescene: Ok… agreed. But mixing typical elements of an “Epic” together in a 3 hour showreel does not make an Epic. You see Mr.Lureman – a true epic isn’t about Moviemaking…but it is about Storytelling.
Lureman: (hurt) Of course I was telling a story…a story of a foreign woman’s discovery of my beautiful country, a story of the loss and upheaval of my Aborigine brothers & sisters, a story of why Australian beef made us win World War II… and anyway, I wanted the world to know that even the Ozzies were attacked during the war…
Grimescene: What wonderful thoughts… but an epic is usually about one central character or even a family. Like Scarlett in Gone with the wind, or Elizabeth in Elizabeth, or the shark in Jaws… What you just described to me Mr.Lureman is a patchwork quilt of your feelings towards your country. Though hono(u)rable – I think it failed as an Epic. There were just a sequence of events, there was no emotional “glue” that bound the various parts of your patchwork together… Mr.Lureman…I think you don’t know how to make an epic. Don’t take it personally… it ain’t easy.
Lureman:
(choking) H…H…How c-c-c-could you say such things? It is my labor of love, it is my dedication to the last untouched land that is Australia. And it has Nicole Kidman…
Grimescene: Who frankly has a limited set of expressions, appears shocked most of the time (I am sure she saw a white pale scrawny creature in the mirror…) and you would have been better off with the much more talented Ozzie… Cate Blanchett.
Lureman: But but Hugh Jackman takes his shirt off!
Grimescene: …and his retractable admantium claws were sorely missed… and he looked like a bell boy in the scene without the beard…
Lureman: (digging deep into his kitty of arguments) But…you cannot disagree with the unclothed Aborigine witch-doctor who piped his grarly head up every 5 minutes… I mean calling him “King George” was a masterstroke or what? And that scene of his naked butt filling the screen as he walks away at the end… that is like the naked men in Michaelangelo’s paintings! If that is not a art – what is?
Grimescene: …yeah…I am still trying to get that image out of my head…
Lureman: And don’t forget that it lasted for three hours…
Grimescene: I can’t…
Lureman: Can I go now? If I get the deposits in today, I can draw a higher interest rate…
Grimescene: One last thing Mr.Lureman – don’t you think this movie would have been better off as an HBO mini-series?
Lureman: Hey…that’s a great idea… I have reels and reels of footage which I can edit, put in a loop and insert…and relaunch it on TV channels in 30 min episodes! I shall talk to the producers today! Thanks for the tip… now, if you would please let me go, I am getting late for the Oscar nomination party later in the evening… see’ya Matey…

(All references or similarities to Baz Luhrmann, director of Australia, are purely coincidental and intentional. Grimescene did watch the movie, and though was not bored, realized, as the credits rolled – that that was no Epic. See only if you like mush, Australian scenery and have 3 hours to spare.)

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